Because of the strange popularity of this blog and my appearance as an “expert” on several VO-shows and webinars, people are starting to take me seriously.
What am I to do?
All of a sudden, friends and foes feel the urge to retweet my nonsensical wisecracks, and care to comment on bizarre thoughts I share with you on Facebook. Some people even shower me with compliments and unhealthy adoration.
I already suffer from extreme self-esteem, and you’re not making it any easier for me to stick to my twelve-step program aimed at practicing modesty and humility.
My AA (Arrogance Anonymous) self-help group was just praising me for the progress I had made in that area. It was horrible. All of a sudden I felt exceedingly full of myself again, and their flattery threw me back several months.
Because of my growing reputation, folks from all corners of the earth believe I have the answer to all their voice-over questions. Who do you think I am?
Joan Baker? J.S. Gilbert? Bill DeWees?
I thought I’d share a few of their issues with you, and when you read my responses, you will soon realize that it’s pointless to contact me.
Here we go.
Q. Dear Paul, I’d like you to critique my demo. How much do you charge for that?
A. Mr. Friedman, it depends on the audio. If your demo is very bad, you can’t pay me enough to listen to it. If it’s any good, you don’t need my critique because it speaks for itself.
Q. Dear Paul, I want to get rid of my announcer voice. What do I do?
A. Dear Doug Turkel, I can see why this could be a problem for you. I suggest talk therapy, and be sure to keep it conversational. Once you’re rid of your radio voice, relaunch your business. When you do, you better make a big announcement!
Q. Dear Paul, can you tell me what James Cameron found when his submarine hit the floor of the Mariana Trench?
A. Contrary to popular belief, this was not a marine expedition. Mr. Cameron was actually looking for cheap voice talent for his upcoming productions. He wondered how low they would go, and I think he found some bottom feeders.
Q. Dear Paul, am I allowed to drink during the session if the client is paying for a “dry read only”?
A. Very funny. Yes, you may drink, but only from a Blue Bottle!
I have a good one for you: Are you allowed to shout in a Whisper Room®?
Q. Dear Paul, Marc Cashman charged me an arm and a leg to help me find my money voice. Is that okay?
A. Give the man some credit. He’s a genius, and he deserves every penny!
Q. Dear Paul, I have some emotional scars from a Nancy Wolfson tough love seminar. What do I need to heal from that experience?
Q. Dear Paul, although I just started my voice-over business, I want to come across as a seasoned professional. What are some of the must-haves if I want to pull this off?
A. That’s easy. People are doing it every day. You have to have:
• a profile picture of you, hugging a microphone;
• demos that have been so doctored, sweetened, and spiced up that your voice needs decompression after the session;
• a YouTube video tour of your walk-in closet voice-over studio showing a surprisingly rich variety of naughty undergarments;
• knowing the answer to the question: “What would Don have done?” (No, not Don Draper);
• a Neumann TLM 103 because you can’t afford a U87;
• a website with a picture of you hugging a microphone;
• a friend request from Dave Courvoisier;
• a Facebook album with pictures of you holding various celebrities in an iron grip as they are forced to pose with you;
• a subscription to my blog;
• a real job.
Q. Dear Paul, please listen to my most recent audition. Should I put more egg crates on the wall to tame the reflections?
A. The audition was horrible. Your bathroom sounds just fine, but I think you are the one who needs more treatment.
Q. Dear Paul, you’re such a wordsmith. Can you come up with a snappy slogan for my VO-business?
A. What do you think of these?
“I can’t read your mind but I will read your script.”
“I’m always on speaking terms with my clients.”
“Speak for yourself, or I will do it for you!”
Paul Strikwerda ©nethervoice
PS My sincere apologies to all the colleagues mentioned in this article. You never wrote to me, and after this article I fear you never will.