Double Dutch

Who doesn’t want to receive a fat check in this expensive holiday period? Well, that’s exactly what just happened to me! Today, UPS delivered a cashier’s check in the amount of $2,650.00. The remitter was Karen S Bower. It came from:

The Timken CO
PO Box 8826
Canton, OH 44711

Timken is one of the world’s leading producers of highly engineered antifriction bearings, related products and services, and alloy steel and components. Timken has operations in 26 countries on six continents.

So far, so good. But hold on… There’s one tiny problem: I have never worked for Timken. Five seconds and one internet search later, I uncovered the following message:

“The Better Business Bureau serving Southeast, Central & Western Kansas, learned about a scam using the Timken Company’s UPS account to ship fraudulent checks to businesses Nationwide in exchange for services not rendered.

The scam artists are contacting businesses found on Craigslist, newspaper, and online advertisements about hiring the company to perform services. The scam artist then sends the company a fraudulent check before services are performed and tells the company accounts payable has made a mistake and instructs the business to cash the check, keep $500 for the inconvenience, and Western Union or Money Gram the rest to a UPS box. The UPS account is registered under the Timken Company’s name. The checks display a variety of legitimate business names with a PO Box 8826, Canton, OH 44711-8826 address, which is The Timken Company’s UPS address. The checks are not legitimate and if cashed, the individual is responsible for the full amount.

A local spokesperson for the Timken Company says they have been made aware their UPS address is being used in the scam and are working with UPS to investigate the matter.

The Better Business Bureau offers the following advice to businesses that advertise on Craigslist, in newspapers, and online:

- Get as many details from the consumer as possible before you begin work.

- Investigate checks that appear to come from someone other than the person that hired you to do the job.

- Never cash a check from anyone that tells you to keep some of the money for your inconvenience and wire the rest back.

- Check with your local Better Business Bureau if something just doesn’t seem right.”

With that information in hand, I contacted the local FBI office, as well as the Better Business Bureau in my area, alerting them about the suspicious Timken check.

So, should a UPS truck bring some holiday cheer to your home this season, double-check the check, and make sure you know the difference between a Steel company and a company that’s trying to Steal!

SECOND SCAM
Recently, I was contacted by Andrew Lancaster from the UK. He wanted to buy my like-new Sennheiser MD21U mic, that I had put up for sale on Sweetwater’s Trading Post.

When I told Andrew the mic was his, he couldn’t be more thrilled. He wrote back:

“the payment will be deliver to you this week or next week…So please as soon as you receive the payment, get it cashed immediately, deduct the money for the item and send the remaining balance to the shipping agent that handles the shipment via Western union money transfer. Moreso, I’ll be giving you an extra $50 for keeping this item for me till the shipper’s come for the pick up and to know you’re selling this to me.”

Wow… an extra $50 just to hold the item! This was better than Andrew’s spelling and grammar! But as someone who grew up with the notion that one should always give a person the benefit of the doubt, I decided to find out what would happen next. Sure enough, Andrew wrote back that a considerable amount of money was on the way:

“So i will like to assure your mind to accept it and cash it because its going to ternish the plan which i’ve layed out already for my new home, i just want everything to be set up well and ready to live asap. Thats why i asked my finance house to issue such amount to you on trust.”

At that point I pulled the plug and told him I was only going to accept the money for the mic, and it had to be via PayPal. What followed was a desperate appeal to accept the deal, but after that, Andrew rapidly disappeared from the event horizon.

Sweetwater warns:

* To avoid scams, deal locally or pay with PayPal.
* Never pay with Western Union, Moneygram, or any other anonymous payment service.
* Don’t buy or sell outside of your country. Don’t accept cashier checks from anyone outside your country.
* Sweetwater Trading Post is never involved in any transaction and does not handle payments, shipping, guarantee transactions, provide escrow services, or offer “buyer protection” or “seller certification.”
* If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

And Sweetwater has more tips for safe shopping. You may access them by clicking on this link.

Meanwhile, I have two questions for you:

1. If you have any scam alerts, please pass them on!

2.  Are you interested in a like-new Sennheiser MD21U mic?

Paul Strikwerda © 2009

www.nethervoice.com

Just in time for the 2009 holiday shopping season, Carl Amari, the producer behind “Twilight Zone Radio Dramas” and “Mystery Theater”, released an audio interpretation of the Old and New Testaments on 79 CD’s. This 98-hour long production involved over 1,000 actors, technicians and musicians, and features an original music score by Stefano Mainetti, and film quality sound effects. The end result is “The Word of Promise Bible“.

STAR POWER
Jim Caviezel, star of the remake of “The Prisoner”, and crucified in 2004 in Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ”, reprises his role of Jesus for this epic audio drama. Other cast members include Marcia Gay Harden (Esther), Malcolm McDowell (King Solomon), Richard Dreyfuss (Moses), Jason Alexander (Joseph) and Luke Perry as Judas. Michael York narrates both testaments. British actor Martin Jarvis is the voice of God. Voice-over actor JoBe Cerny (the voice of the Pillsbury Doughboy), directed an incredible 175,000 takes.

As you can imagine, a project like this is fraught with challenges. I know first-hand how hard it is not to step on people’s overly sensitive religious toes, when it comes to recreating creation and all that follows… During my time at the BBC, I was asked to produce an hour long radio drama for Radio 1, which specializes in current popular music and chart hits. The idea was to retell the story of Easter through music and narration, but in a way that would appeal to young adults.

TRANSLATION
One of the first problems I ran into was which translation of the Bible to use. Here are just a few choices:

Revised Standard Version (1952, RSV)
New American Standard Bible (1963, NASV)
The Jerusalem Bible (1966, JB)
New English Bible (1970, NEB)
Living Bible (1971, LB)
Good News Bible (1976, GNB)
New International Version (1979, NIV)
New King James Version (1982, NKJV)
Reader’s Digest Bible (1982, RDV)

There are, of course, a few more ‘exotic’ options. Mike Coles is Head of Religious Education at Sir John Cass’s Church of England Secondary School in East London. He wrote “The Bible in Cockney: Well Bits of it, Anyway….”

Here is his version of the Lord’s Prayer from Luke 11:2-4:

HELLO, Dad, up there in good ol’ Heaven, Your name is well great and holy, and we respect you, Guv. We hope we can all ‘ave a butcher’s at Heaven and be there as soon as possible: and we want to make you happy, Guv, and do what you want ‘ere on earth, just like what you do in Heaven. Guv, please give us some Uncle Fred, and enough grub and stuff to keep us going today, and we hope you’ll forgive us when we cock things up, just like we’re supposed to forgive them who annoy us and do dodgy stuff to us. There’s a lot of dodgy people around, Guv; please don’t let us get tempted to do bad things. Help keep us away from all the nasty, evil stuff, and keep that dodgy Satan away from us, ‘cos you’re much stronger than ‘im. Your the Boss, God, and will be for ever, innit? Cheers, Amen. Who is it for? Geezers and birds, oi, oi, oi

Then there’s the Princess Diana Bible. In this gay version of the Bible, God does not create Adam and Eve. He creates Aida and Eve instead. This Bible is not completed yet, but portions of Genesis and Leviticus can be read on the official website.

“The Word of Promise Bible” uses the 1982 modern translation of the King James Bible.

CASTING
The second challenge was obviously casting. Christian and non-Christian producers are still struggling with questions such as:

• Must God really have a British accent?
• Could Jesus be a Yankee?
• Would it be wrong to cast an African-American as Judas?
• If our “voice of God” happens to be female, would the Bible Belt still buy the audio book?
• Why can’t King David be played by an openly gay actor?

NARRATOR
For my Easter special, we picked Ezekiel Gray a.k.a. The Man Ezeke, as our narrator. Born in Montego Bay, Jamaica, and nicknamed ‘Rasta’, Ezekiel was the first black daytime presenter on Radio 1. Some had their doubts about a DJ recounting what most people regard as the heart of the New Testament, with a distinct Jamaican accent. There was no reason for concern. Ultimately, the production ended up winning a Sandford St. Martin Award for excellence in Religious Radio Programmes.

IT’S A WINNER
The New Testament from “The Word of Promise Bible” was released in 2007, and was picked as the Christian Book of 2008 by the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association (the first audio Bible to receive this award). So far more than 700,000 copies were purchased. It’s the greatest story ever sold. If you don’t believe me, just ask Joan Allen (Deborah), Lou Diamond Phillips (Mark), Lou Gossett Jr. (John), Stacy Keach (Job & Paul), Gary Sinise (David), Marisa Tomei (Mary Magdalene), Jon Voight (Abraham) or Max von Sydow (Noah).

Paul Strikwerda © 2009

www.nethervoice.com

PS the Word of Promise Bible was nominated for Audio Book of the Year 2010 by the The Audio Publishers Association (APA). On May 25th we’ll find out if it will be the winner of an Audie Award.

Active Bottoms. Buy one. Get one free.

“What kind of sign is that?” asked my friend Kees, who was on a visit from Holland. “Active bottoms… If I take 50 percent off my active bottom, I won’t be able to sit straight.”

“You’re right”, I replied. “But the world would be a quieter place!” Kees laughed. “By the way, I think TJ Maxx really means sweat pants.” “Really?” said Kees. People wear pants in a sauna?” “Well, you can take half off”, I said. This conversation was going downhill fast.

“Only in America,” said Kees. “Only in America.”

“Alright, my friend. Let’s go to the store next door”, I said as I was heading over to the parking lot. Kees didn’t understand. “Wait a minute….. That store is no more than twenty steps away. Where do you think you’re going?”

I quickly hid my car keys and remembered that I had responded exactly the same way, when I first came to the States. “No wonder you gained some weight, man! You’ve gotten lazy. Getting any exercise lately?” “Lots”, I said. “That Wii thing is absolutely amazing. It’s unreal.” “You’re right about that”, Kees mumbled.

We entered the bookstore. “Is that coffee I smell?” asked my Dutch friend. “Coffee, in a bookstore?” “You’re right,” Kees. “But it gets even better. You can pick a couple of magazines, buy a calorie infused mocha-java shake with lava cake, grab a chair and trash whatever you’re reading. And when you’re done, you just leave your mess on the table.”

“No way,” said Kees. “Don’t you have to pay for that copy of ‘Good Housekeeping’ and the ‘Parenting Magazine’?” “Are you kidding me, Kees? Of course not. People even leave their kids here while they go visit the rest of the Mall. In fact, I just heard one of those hockey moms tell her daughter: ‘Here’s twenty bucks. Now get lost.’ Yes, Kees”, I smiled, “This country is big on family values. No child left behind.”

An elderly gentleman walked up to us in the music department. “Can I help you find something?,” he asked for the two hundred and forty fourth time that day. “Well,” said Kees, “If you tell me what you are looking for, perhaps I can find it for you. That way, you sir, can take a seat and rest your legs a little.”

“Oh no, I can’t do that,” said the man nervously. “I work here.” “He must be in his late sixties,” whispered Kees in my ear.”Don’t people retire?”

Meanwhile, I looked around. Something was missing. “What happened to all your classical CD’s?,” I asked the music seller. “The only things I see are bargain DVD’s.”

“We have a few CD’s left,” said the clerk, pointing apologetically at two or three rows of ‘Music for the Millions’. “I used to be a music professor,” he sighed.”My wife and I loved coming here. There was Bach, Beethoven, Brahms and Bartok. Look at it now.

We have Andrea Boccelli and that Dutch fiddler, Andre Rieu. People don’t know what they’re missing. I just had a customer ask for the theme of ‘The Lone Ranger’. I said to her: ‘I can order the William Tell overture for you.’ ‘No’, she said. ‘I want ‘The Lone Ranger’. Didn’t you hear me the first time?’”

“Let me see if I understand you correctly,” I said to the seller. “You have to order a CD of popular overtures, but you can sell me the unrated set of ‘Saw’ on brilliant Blue Ray?”

“That’s right,” answered the clerk. “Teenagers love it. Saw, Hostel 1, 2 and 3, and that Twilight stuff. And it’s not exactly cheap either.”

Two high school kids walked in, drinks in hand. “Hey Pops,” shouted one of them. “Any good deals on Black Friday?”

“What’s Black Friday? Something African-American?,” Kees wanted to know. He was puzzled because there’s no such thing in Holland. “It’s the day after Thanksgiving,” I explained. “The busiest shopping day of the year. People get up at the crack of dawn. They wait in line in front of their local Wal-Mart, and when the doors finally open, they crush the doorman to death so they can be the first one to walk away with a flat screen TV. That’s all. No White Christmas without a Black Friday. Only in America. The land of the killer deal.”

“You’ve become quite the cynic, after you became a citizen,” observed Kees. “And stop sorting those CD’s”. “I can’t help myself,” I said. “I used to work here a few years ago. It’s the curse of retail. But let me tell you something. Most people who work at this chain, have two things in common. They’re overqualified and underpaid.”

“So, why do they do it? It can’t be fun to stand on your feet for eight hours selling rap, rock and horror when you’re nearly seventy,” Kees asked. “Benefits, my friend. Benefits,” I replied. “This country suffers from a major preexisting condition. There’s no such thing as universal health care over here. Not yet. But on a more positive note: we just discovered that there’s definitely water on the moon!”

We walked out empty-handed. “And you know what?,” I continued, “More than a third of what they call the ‘working poor’ have jobs in retail. When I used to work here, most of my colleagues had a second job to make ends meet.

The average department store “associate” only makes about 18 thousand dollars per year. So, single moms were counting on their parents to take care of the kids, while they worked another shift at the International House of Fruitcakes. And the next day, they would do it all over again. Not exactly the American dream, is it?

They used to say: if you work hard enough, you can achieve anything. Well, these people are doing just that and they’re going absolutely nowhere.”

“Let’s change the subject,” said Kees. “This stuff is depressing. What do people like to do for fun over here? Do they ever take a break?”

“I hate generalizations,” I said, “but some say that most Europeans work to live and that most Americans live to work.

My neighbors still don’t believe that I used to take at least four weeks off during the summer.” “So what does the average American like to do or see while on vacation?,” asked Kees. “The Grand Canyon? The National Mall? MoMA?”

“Funny you should ask,” I replied. “I just finished reading a book by Ellen Ruppel Shell. She’s a professor of journalism at Boston University. It’s called CHEAP, and according to her research, America’s number-one tourist destination is… the factory outlet.

Not only are factory outlets the fastest-growing segment of the retail industry, but also of the travel industry. But as you can tell, even ordinary shopping centers are immensely popular. I read in the New York Times that the Mall of America in Minneapolis attracts more visitors per year than Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon combined.”

“I thought you guys were in a recession,” said Kees. He continued, “I must admit one thing though…. Things like clothes are dirt cheap over here. I mean… take those active bottoms. Perhaps we should go back and get a pair.”

I had to interrupt, “Believe it or not Kees, I am convinced that there’s a link between the price of those sweat pants, the sweat shops where they were made, and the recession we’re in. This whole bargain basement outlet culture is one of the reasons why people aren’t earning wages that would enable them to keep their heads above water without maxing out their credit cards.

Speaking of credit cards… before we go home, I need to hit one more store today. My wife needs a new bra for her car and we’re not going to find it at Victoria’s Secret.”

Kees’ mouth fell open. “A bra. For a car? You must be joking!” “Haven’t you ever heard of a Car Bra?,” I asked. “It protects the paint on the front of your car from things like bugs, flying rocks, and suicidal retail associates.”

“Only in America,” said Kees. “Only in America.”

Paul Strikwerda © 2009

www.nethervoice.com

“It will look so good on your resume”
“This might lead to regular work”
“We’re a start-up business”
“It’s such a small project”
“This is an Indie film”
“It will only take a few minutes”
“You’re new and we want to give you a chance”
“Even if you don’t get the job, it’s still great practice”
“You’d be perfect for this… I wish we could afford you”

If you’ve been an active job-seeking member of the voice-over community for… about two weeks, I’m pretty sure these ‘teasers’ have been thrown out at you a few times. They’re getting old quickly, don’t you think? Or are you still falling for them? Be honest!

These days, clients are getting even more efficient by leaving these phrases out. Now it’s just:

“Manhattan-based attorney’s office in need of a male voice for their website. Budget $100.”

Are you kidding me? These attorneys won’t even pick up the phone for 100 bucks. So, why do they expect us to work for a hand-out? Is it perhaps because many of us call ourselves voice-over ARTISTS?

MISCONCEPTION ONE: Artists don’t work. They just enjoy their hobby.

My wife, a phenomenal professional flutist, had just finished an exhausting wedding gig: a ninety minute Mass followed by a two-hour cocktail party. All in all she had had two breaks: one to rush from the church to the banquet hall, and a ten minute bathroom break during the reception.

When she came back to get a refreshment, some guests looked at her as if she was stealing from the buffet. One of them even walked up to her and whispered: “Aren’t you supposed to be playing?”

At the end of the engagement, the mother of the groom walked her out and said it had been “lovely”. She sighed: “I used to play the flute. It must be wonderful…. being able to play music all day long.” When my wife discretely asked for the paycheck that should have been handed to her at the beginning of the day, the groom’s mother looked shocked. She said: “Are you telling me you’re actually getting paid for this?”

Some people just don’t get it, do they? Whether we’re musicians, writers, web designers or voice-over artists, the opportunity to do the things we’re passionate about, should be enough, don’t you think? Well, why don’t we ask Alex Rodriguez about that? Perhaps he’d be satisfied with getting the keys to the Big Apple and a fat World Series ring.

MISCONCEPTION TWO: All you need in this profession is a computer, a microphone and an Internet connection, and you’re in voice-over business. Small investment. Huge ROI (and you can even do it in your PJ’s!).

Well, well…haven’t we heard that one before? If it were that easy, tell me who is paying for your:

• marketing
• advertising
• bookkeeping
• hours spent finding work
• taxes
• overhead
• continued education
• attorney
• sick days
• paid holidays
• vacation
• union dues
• health insurance
• dental insurance
• disability insurance
• life insurance
• business insurance
• unemployment
• retirement
• invoices that never get paid
• … and all other joys that come with running your own business?

BREAKING EVEN
Remember, all of the above (and more) has to come out of that job that you almost accepted for $125. Do you even know how much money you need to make in a year, just to break even? How about in a month? How much per week… per day? That’s just to cover costs. How about making a profit? How about saving a little for a rainy day or for college?

If all of this is a little overwhelming and intimidating, let me reassure you. This does not have to be your life! If you don’t have the drive now, do not waste any more time. If you’re not prepared to run your career as a for-profit business, you still have plenty of options… to name a few:

1. Stop posing as a pro and leave the market place to those who are willing to be professional. Stay an amateur instead. No pressure.
2. Get a ‘regular’ job with benefits

GET REAL
However, should you decide to become a professional solopreneur, start acting like one! Don’t do anything else before you take the next step: figure out what your basic minimum hourly rate must be, based on cost, billable hours and the profit you’re comfortable with. Depending on your input, this could take 5 to 20 minutes of your time. How do you do it? By using this simple on-line rate calculator, developed by one of my favorite websites: www.freelanceswitch.com.

RUNNING THE NUMBERS
Of course it would be a little presumptuous to tell you what to do. Some people just don’t want to spoil their hopes and dreams by facing reality. These are the folks that purchased a house they can’t afford because they thought they could swing it. And now they’re paying for it. Some people are more comfortable playing the victim or playing the blame-game. Others use excuses such as: “I was never any good with numbers”.

Sorry, but I’m not buying it! First off, this rate calculator is so easy, even I can use it. Secondly, you can always ask a friend to help you out; find a mentor, hire a pro… There are business coaches out there who’d love to have your voice on their AVR in exchange for their advice. It’s often better to have an impartial opinion from someone who is not in love with your dream. Have a business lunch with them and bring your calculator and a note pad.

Third, make a small investment and get “The Money Book for Freelancers, Part-Timers, and the Self-Employed” by Joseph D’Agnese and Denise Kiernan. This was the first book about money matters that I actually enjoyed reading. It felt like I was getting advice from friends who knew exactly what situation I was in. Joe and Denise offer very practical, down-to-earth strategies in a language anyone can understand, and they’re actually very funny too!

FINE DINING
So…. next time a voice-seeker holds up one of those carrots I started this article with, imagine yourself walking into a restaurant and telling the waiter:

“I can’t really pay you full-price, but if your food is any good, I’ll be sure to spread the word about this place.”

Please let me know how that worked out for you.

And if that did not go over so well, try going into Home Depot, hoping to get 75% off that professional pneumatic drill. 

“And why would we do that?” asks the manager.

And then you utter the magic words: 

“Well, it’s only for a small project….”

Last but not least… Would you be willing to do me one last favor, please? Once you’ve figured out your desired and minimum hourly rate, look at that $100 voice-over project again, that you were just considering. You know, the one that “will give you great exposure”.

Now look at your hourly rate again.

Get it?!

Paul Strikwerda ©2009

www.nethervoice.com

PS Many thanks to artist N.C. Winters for the comic strips. Find out more about the work of N.C. at the artist’s site and at Freelance Freedom.

PPS A Dutchman visiting the US offers some refreshing insights as he holds up the mirror: Only in America.